And So It Goes...

       There was a time in my life when I wasn't too fond of living. I had just graduated from college and had no idea what to do with myself. I felt very lost and I remember thinking that things would never get better so what's the point? I drank a lot and ate far too many bags a chocolate by myself and then I would obsessively exercise to make up for the calories I consumed. My life seemed very lackluster and, selfishly, I considered ending it. Luckily, when I was at my lowest point I made a drunken, 3AM phone call to my sister who got the ball rolling on getting me the help that I desperately needed. Through lots of therapy and pep talks from family and friends I was able to get better and here I am, writing this thought provoking entry just for you :)

I don't really like talking about that time in my life because it make me sad. Also, I can't remember what it was like to be that person. All I know is that that was a very dark time in my life and I'm glad that it's over. I didn't tell you that story for any words of sympathy or advice. It was important to relay that information to write about the epiphany I had the other day.

I've been sick for about a month and half now. The abdominal pain is still here and I'm pretty weak and tired. My muscles ache and I can't seem to quit thinking about what the hell is wrong with me. I was really hoping that I would be able to entitled this entry "Medical Mystery Resolved!" but that is not the case. I went to the GI doctor on Friday and after 20 minutes of discussing my symptoms and 5 minutes of a rather uncomfortable examination of my bum the PA still had no idea what could be making me sick. I have a PIPIDA scan tomorrow which is supposed to test my gallbladder and see if anything is wrong in that area. I don't really have high hopes for this test because I'm beginning to think that maybe there is something wrong with my muscles and that is why everything is hurting. Ever since this crap started, I have been incredibly worried that I am going to die. I know that there are a million things that could be wrong with me but I am still terrified that something horrible is going on inside of me. I've had numerous mental break downs in the last few weeks and I really want to figure out what is wrong with me. (Cue epiphany) In the midst of an evening of crying with my dog nestled quietly on my lap I realized just how much I want to live. I never really wanted to die four years ago either; I was just lost and very lonely. I cried for quite awhile and my sobs were loud enough to wake up the sleeping dog on my lap. He looked up at me and licked all of my tears away and then when I wouldn't stop crying he started attacking my ears ( I think it was his goal to make me laugh). I laughed, hugged Fezzik and then shortly made him stop because the slobber in my ears was a little too much. I started thinking about all of the things that I would have missed out on had things taken a different turn a few years ago.

I would have never met the love of my life ( I guess "re-met" would be the better way to put that), my life would have ended before it even started. I wouldn't have met the little dog that licks my ears when I'm sad and I would have left my family and friends whom I love and adore. I don't think that my life was ever really that bad; I was just too self centered and dramatic to realize that even the little things make life great. I want to be around for a long time and I'm hoping and praying that this illness goes away very soon. I'm tired of being scared and I really want to feel better. I'm sure there will be more mental break downs to come and my poor boyfriend deserves a medal for holding me and calming me down when the break down storm comes. My sister and mother also have been wonderful with calming me down when things get bad. I really wish I could learn to calm myself down but that hasn't happened so far.

At the end of the day I am still scared and will be until I figure out why I'm sick. If you guys could send some extra prayers and/or good vibes my way I'd appreciate it. I'll let you know how things go.

On a side note, a person from my hometown died today. I didn't really know him well but I am very fond of his step mother and can't imagine how hard this day has been for her. Susan, if you read this, I'm thinking of you and your family and wish I lived closer to give you a hug!

Down with the Sickness

Shortly after I posted my last entry, I started to feel under the weather. I had a bit of abdominal pain that I had originally associated with hormonal issues but after a few days the pain started to worsen. After diagnosing myself through the internet and discovering that I had cancer, appendicitis, a failing liver and bleeding ulcers I decided to let an actual doctor assess my situation. It turns out that I have none of these ailments (at least that I'm aware of). However, I haven't had much success in finding what I do have besides a large non-diseased liver and a fiberous tumor on my uterus which is pretty common. There are some good days where I feel alright with mild heartburn and abdominal pain and there are bad days where it feels like I've been run over by a truck numerous times. As this illness continues I am growing increasingly frustrated because it's been a little over a month since I have felt like myself. Also, not having health insurance when you really need it gets pretty damn expensive. Word to the wise, sonograms are not cheap and also not very pleasant. I'm lucky that my boyfriend is so down to earth because if he was as high strung as I am we would've been to the ER numerous times by now. It's nice having someone talk some sense into me when I'm feeling panicky. It is also nice to have a nurse for a sister, thanks for talking me off the ledge numerous time, Amber! I am headed back to the doctor on Monday to hopefully figure out what the hell is going on inside of me. I haven't had a beer, wine or any other alcoholic beverage in over a month and mama needs her sugar (so to speak).

I am still an unemployed schmuck. Right now I'm working with a temp agency that has set me up with a couple random, bitchwork jobs. I have spent the last week scanning documents into a computer and it has been incredibly rewarding and stimulating in the most sarcastic kind of way. I have literally be standing in front of a scanner for three days straight and it has been very monotonous. I think it would help if I was able to listen to music while scanning but that is not allowed either. I'm almost done with the project and I hope that the staffing agency can hook me up with something a little less tedious next time. I've been tossing around the idea of going back to school to become an english teacher. I am still not sure about it but if I do want to go back to school now would be the time to do it. I really want to make myself more marketable. You would think that after five years in college I would be a very marketable person but that is not the case. I haven't quite decided if that's what I want to do but it's a thought. I seem to have a lot of good thoughts while going through this quarter life crisis but none of them seem to come into fruition. We'll see what the future holds.

Other than my current sickness, there hasn't been much going on around our house. It seems as if the dog has more energy than ever and that is all fine and good except for the fact that I really just want to veg out and not go outside millions of time during the night. Cody is wonderful, as always, and I'm quite sure I don't deserve him. I'm not saying that just to get brownie points either. It is very true and, as cheesy and cliche as this sounds, I am very lucky to have him. He makes me happy. I'm done with the cheese now.

Hopefully I will be back to myself soon and that all of this sickness isn't anything serious. Send good vibes my way! Bye for now